I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about. Show less «

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

It is more profitable for your congressman to the tobacco industry than your life.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing ant - even if they wanted to be one?

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

Predictions are preposterous.

A schmuck like Bernie Sanders pops out who doesn't even know what's going on and doesn't care. Because to him Israel getting wiped out is no problem. Climate change is the only problem. To him, the most important thing in the world is climate change. If Israel gave up their country but they fought for climate change, he would love Israel. In ten minutes, they would be his favorite country. Show less «

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future. Show less «

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times. Show less «

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me. Show less «

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.