I was just interviewed for a documentary [Making Trouble (2007)] on my least favorite subject - women comedians and how we've all been kept out. These two women came to my house, very serious, and asked, "How long did it take for you to get into the room?". I said, "Let me tell you something: if Adolf Hitler had four good jokes, he'd be in the room." It has to do with funny. Then they talked about how women help each other. I said, "I hate to tell you, but if it was between Sarah Silverman and me for a job? I'll kill her and she'll kill me. There's no sisterhood in comedy". Show less «

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids.

The only thing that's saving me is my age. Because I don't care. I've been up, I've been down. I've been fired, I've been hired. I've been broke. What are you gonna to do me? Not like me? I don't give a damn. Show less «

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

All I ever heard when I was a kid was,"Why can't you be more like your cousin Sheila?" And Sheila had died at birth. Show less «

[June 29, 2008] One of the reasons I am so happy - there's lots happening again. Four times in my life, I woke up and the diary was empty. That's the worst feeling in the world. My Broadway show and my talk show were canceled on the same Friday. And I went that night to see Barbra Streisand, whom I'd started with, perform for 20,000 people at Madison Square Garden. That was a very bad night. Now I'm doing a pilot, I have two books coming, I have my play, I'm in a series that they've shot and they hope will be successful, I'm doing stand-up and I've got my jewelry company. At this age, to be wanted - you are fighting every single step of the way. Show less «

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

[on turning 50]: Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. Show less «

[on antiques] If Louis XIV hasn't sat on it, I don't want it.

[In an interview, on the British chat show Loose Women (1999) in 2008, on working the red carpet for the E! Channel]: You get someone like Russell Crowe, and you want to say to the camera, he is a piece of - get ready to bleep this - f***ing shit. (Rivers was immediately pulled from the British chat show - they had no bleep.) These idiots came running onto the set, ripped me off my seat and dragged me off, saying, "Let's go, let's go, let's go." When the audience saw my empty chair, I worried that, because of my age, they might think I'd wet it because my diaper leaked. People always ask me, "What haven't you done, Miss Rivers? You've done this and that, been nominated for an Emmy and a Tony. You've hosted shows, you've acted, done stand-up, lost your husband to suicide, been bankrupted by a business partner [who made off with $37m in the 1990s] - what haven't you done?". Well, until today, I'd never been kicked off live television. Assholes. Show less «

I want them to know I don't think I'm wonderful, or better than they are. Part of comedy is saying: "I am you and you are me, and we're all feeling the same thing". Show less «

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. I'd rescue two more, but who wants to go through menopause twice? Show less «

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself; after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. Show less «

[When constantly thought about dying]: In your 80s, you'd be foolish not to think about that. I am definitely going to be cremated. I've left money so the dogs can be taken care of. I've said to Melissa, 'Sell anything and everything you don't want. Don't feel beholden to my possessions.' I feel almost hysterical on that. I don't want them to have a sense of guilt. Show less «

[on daughter Melissa Rivers] She and I are very close. We speak every single day. Literally, I call her every day and leave the same message on her answering machine: "Pick the hell up, Melissa. I know you're there, damn it." And she always calls me back with the same response: "Mom, how in God's name did you get this new number?" Show less «

[on Parkinson (1971), when entering] I am a dyke! And I'm DAMN proud of it!

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese: much of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

[on Justin Bieber] He looks like the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Men who look down my dress usually compliment me on my shoes.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

New York was the magic city. New York was Oz. All I wanted to do was get out of Brooklyn and get into Oz. We'd go to the theater district -- I saved my money, and I would go with a girlfriend and sit in Sardi's, order an avocado for 60 cents, and wait to be discovered. They must have been thrilled to see us. We went to Howard Johnson's, and my friend smoked a cigarette. We're sitting at the Howard Johnson's, and we're smoking cigarettes -- say no more. Show less «

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

The secret of my success is just saying what everybody else has been thinking.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

One of the earliest jokes I did about my husband was that I was the one who really caused Edgar's suicide, because, while we were making love, I took the bag off my head. Show less «

[her trademark line] Can we talk?

I haven't missed the Emmys since that year my makeup team was nominated for "Best Special Effects"!

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at [the department store] Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day. Show less «

Look at Gwyneth Paltrow being named the Most Beautiful this year. Congratulations, Gwyneth! Now look at who she got to vote: Ray Charles, José Feliciano, Helen Keller, Ronnie Milsap, Tom Sullivan, and Stevie Wonder. Show less «

Once I was having lunch in a fancy restaurant with Lily Tomlin and Richard Pryor. We were all struggling comics together and the day we had lunch, any one of us could have picked up the check. That's when I knew I'd made it. Show less «

[on her idea of a perfect childbirth experience] Knock me out with the first pain, and wake me up when the hairdresser arrives. Show less «

People say that money is not the key to happiness. But I've always figured that, with enough money, you can hire a battering ram. Show less «

That awful, vulgar, loud woman on stage, that's not me. I wouldn't want to be her friend.

There are three things all children should be taught never to do: touch a hot stove; pull lamps off tables; and wake their mother before noon. Show less «

All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top, and that the woman goes on bottom. For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Show less «

[Interview with Andrew Scott, June 10, 2010] I've never been in the "in" group. I've never been considered. But that's what keeps me punching, if that makes sense. I'm still in the "I'll show you" mentality. Show less «

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Tell me one funny woman who was ever beautiful. Gwyneth Paltrow, stop, please, stop, I can't stand it. Angelina Jolie? Men don't want you funny. It's all about coping when you're not being the pretty girl, and you're not being the first one asked to dance, and the bottle spins and lands on you and Stuart Wein doesn't want to kiss you. Show less «

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes...and six months later, you have to start all over again. Show less «

The great thing about irrigating your colon is that sometimes you find old jewelry.

[on reality shows] When was the last time you went to a dinner party where three women got up and slapped each other? Everybody's punching and slapping. This is not reality. We got a second season because everybody that has a parent, a mother, anyone can relate to what really happens between adult children and parents. Show less «

[on the red-carpet] Who are you wearing?

Camilla Parker-Bowles is an earthy, funny woman. You can swear in front of her.

[on young female comics]: They all come up to me and say, "Without you, I couldn't be here, the barriers you broke down." I say, "Get the f*** away from me. I still could take every one of you with one hand behind my back. Outta here. Talk like that at my funeral, but not till then". Show less «

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

[In 2010, on Twitter] With all the plastic surgery I've had, I'm worried that when I die, God won't recognize me! Show less «

I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. I don't have those wonderful dinners with Woody, I've never been asked by Jay. And it makes you sad, because I think it would be wonderful to sit and talk about things that very few people understand. But I'm very competitive, and I'm sure they feel that. I'm jealous of that little slut Paris Hilton. Why? I'm very competitive. And I think that's what has kept me going. I'm not gracious. Show less «

Boy George is all England needs. Another queen who can't dress.

[on Renee Zellweger] Push her face against a glass door, and you'll see what all babies look like at birth. Show less «

[on the ing of Elaine Kaufman] Elaine's was a place you went to let everyone know you were in town. It was first stop L.A./N.Y. You knew your name was above the title when Elaine sat with you. I also loved that the prices changed constantly. Show less «