Old King Cole : What ho! Bring me my royal pipe. And step on it.
Kermit the Frog : [to the TV audience]  At this point, you might think we'd go for the cheap joke. But we're not going to.
Show less «

Ernie : 1Q.
Bert : 2Q.
Ernie : 3Q.
Bert : 4Q.
Ernie : 5Q.
Bert : 6Q.
Ernie : 7Q.
Bert : 8Q.
Ernie : 9Q.
Bert : 10Q.
Ernie : What's that, Bert?
Bert : 10Q!
Ernie : I couldn't hear you, Bert.
Bert : [Yelling]  10Q, 10Q, 10Q!
Ernie : You're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome, Bert.
[laughs] 
Show less «

Bert : [Bert has reluctantly agreed to have Ernie give him a haircut... ]  Ernie. I'm bald.
Ernie : Um... well, I wouldn't say that, Bert.
Bert : You wouldn't say that?
[explodes] 
Bert : No, but it's true!
Ernie : Well, I know it's true, I just wouldn't say it, Bert.
Bert : [hysterical]  You cut all my hair off!
Ernie : Yes, well, I 'm sorry about that...
Bert : Ernie!
Ernie : But, but it will grow back again, you know...
Bert : My hair!
Ernie : - that's one of the great things about hair, you know.
Bert : It'll take a *month* for it to grow back, Ernie!
Ernie : [plaintively]  A whole month?
Bert : A whole month! What are you gonna do about it?
Ernie : Uh... Bert! I have just the thing for you. Just a second.
[ducks off screen] 
Bert : Oh, my hair.
Ernie : [reappears carrying a large book]  Here you go, Bert.
Bert : What is that, a book?
Ernie : Mm-hmm.
[places it on the ledge in front of them] 
Bert : A book won't make my hair grow faster.
Ernie : No, but it'll give you something to do while you're waiting.
[snickers and runs off screen] 
Bert : Errnieee!
Show less «

Ernie : You know, whenever I'm not sleepy, Bert tells me to count sheep.
Count von Count : "Count Sheep?" Who's that?
Ernie : Uh, uh, it's not a who, it's a what.
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Kermit the Frog : [trying to come up with rhyming song lyrics]  Here, try this. Mary had a little canary. It was bluer than the sky. And every where that Mary went, the canary was sure to fly.
Don Music : [shouts]  But canaries aren't blue!
Kermit the Frog : Jeesh!
Don Music : I'll never get it! Never! You won't help! Oh!
[bangs his head against the piano] 
Kermit the Frog : Uh, you'll hurt yourself in the head, there, Don.
Show less «

Ernie : [Ernie is having Bert's head traced on the screen, unbeknownst to Bert who can't move and doesn't understand why]  Okay, here is Bert's eye.
[His left eye is traced] 
Ernie : And here is Bert's other eye.
[His other eye is traced] 
Ernie : And the eyes are what you see with, right Bert?
[Bert starts to say something, but is cut off immediately by Ernie] 
Ernie : Don't say anything, Bert.
Show less «

[repeated line] 
Kermit the Frog : Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here at Sesame Street News...

[repeated lines] 
Grover : [out in the distance]  He-e-e-e-e-ey, froggy baby!
Kermit the Frog : Oh, no.
[Grover walks to Kermit and slaps his back really hard] 
Kermit the Frog : Oof!
Show less «

Pat Playjacks : Are you ready to play our game, Count?
Count von Count : Oh, Yes. Sure thing, Pat.
Pat Playjacks : What is your guess and how many pig squeals do you think it will be?
Count von Count : Uh, One squeal, No make it two squeals, No wait, three squeals, No four squeals for five squeals.
Pat Playjacks : Uh, Count. We can only take one guess.
Count von Count : One guess, Two guesses, THREE!
Pat Playjacks : THREE! Is three your guess? Okay, That's your guess. Three pig squeals so give the pig a spin on that turntable.
Show less «

Announcer : And now, It's time for the newest, hippest, best dressed detective show on television: "Miami Mice!"
Kermit the Frog : Yeah, There are pal trees out there. What? What's on the palm tree? What's on? Oh, I am on. Oh, I am on. Oh, Cue the music!
[Miami Mice theme plays] 
Kermit the Frog : Hi-ho, This is Kermit the Frog, Speaking to you from the sunny tropics of Miami Florida. And who knows the subject of an adventure, Than the world's famous Miami Mice. And here they are right now, Here is Miami Mice J.P.
J.P. Mouse : Oh, What's Happening?
Kermit the Frog : ...Tito!
Tito Mouse : Que tal, Man!
Kermit the Frog : Today, We are going to talk to you about adventures.
J.P. Mouse : Say what, Frog?
Kermit the Frog : An adventure, Where something exciting happens here!
Tito Mouse : Adventures? Nah, We got none of that here.
J.P. Mouse : Well, I wish we can help you out, Frog.
Kermit the Frog : But you are the world's famous Miami Mice.
Show less «

Guy Smiley (1969-1990) : Does anybody know what the of that shape is?
Betty Lou (1969-2014) : Yes, Of course, Guy. It's a...
Carl : [Buzzes in] 
Guy Smiley (1969-1990) : Yes, Carl?
Carl : Is it a circle?
[Buzzer Sounds] 
Betty Lou (1969-2014) : Oh! No!
Guy Smiley (1969-1990) : Oh, I'm sorry, Carl! But that's the wrong answer!
Betty Lou (1969-2014) : Don't you get it, Carl. The answer is always the same!
Show less «

Count von Count : Did I say Three?
Pat Playjacks : Yes!
Count von Count : I SAID THREE
[HA-HA-HA!] 
Pat Playjacks : That's right. Three squeals, Count Von Count. YOU WON!
Count von Count : Oh, I won!
Prairie Dawn : What? He won? Oh no!
Pat Playjacks : And now, It's time to pick a prize from the studio filled with fabulous prizes and to show them to us is our Co-hostess, Velma Blank. A fifteen gallon tank of finger paint, A hand crafted grapefruit goggle for the protection of that morning squirt, And the larger than life portrait of America's 2nd favorite game show host, Pat Playjacks.
Show less «

Pat Playjacks : Oooooh, I very sorry, Prairie. You guessed ten and there were only five squeals in today's pig, I mean "Squeal of Fortune". That's too bad.
Prairie Dawn : Oh dear. I guess I didn't win. I don't believe this!
Show less «

Guy Smiley #1 : Nope, You are close. But you all guessed wrong! This person is a television game show host, and his name is Sonny Friendly.
Sonny Friendly #1 : [laughs]  Hey, Are we having a nice day or what?
Everybody : WHAT?
Sonny Friendly #1 : And how about that ? Are they good sport or what, audience?
Guy Smiley #1 : Well, This is Guy Smiley saying...
Sonny Friendly #1 : YEAH, LET'S HEAR IT FOR GUY, SHALL WE? He is a wonder guess.
Guy Smiley #1 : [Angrily]  I AM NOT THE GUEST! I AM THE HOST OF THIS SHOW!
Sonny Friendly #1 : This is Sonny Friendly saying...
Guy Smiley #1 : YOU ARE NOT SAYING IT, I AM SAYING IT.
Sonny Friendly #1 : But I
Guy Smiley #1 : NO YOU WON'T...
[to a crew member] 
Guy Smiley #1 : THIS WHOLE THING WAS A ROTTEN IDEA! Who put this man on the show?
Announcer #2 : Guy Smiley's Wardrobe is by Sierra Lagoob. Sonny Friendly's Wardrobe is by Jeff Fredrick.
Show less «

Bert : Hey, Ernie, Ernie! Oh, Ernie, oh, Ernie! It's terrible. It's just awful what just happened to me.
Ernie : Well, what's the matter, Bert?
Bert : Oh, see, I was - I was in the kitchen making some bacon...
Ernie : Yeah...
Bert : And this monster appeared. This huge monster appeared.
[we Cookie Monster right by Ernie's side] 
Ernie : A monster?
Bert : And, he ate all my bacon. Every strip of my bacon he ate. Oh, it's awful.
[Cookie Monster ducks off-screen] 
Ernie : Oh, th - th - that's terrible, Bert.
Bert : Yeah.
Ernie : I mean, we just can't sit still while a monster comes and eats all your bacon.
[Cookie Monster reappears eating a letter "X" Ernie's holding] 
Bert : No.
Bert , Ernie : I mean, what are we going to do about it? I mean, it's...
[they notice Cookie Monster eating the X] 
Bert , Ernie : Oh, no! What are you doing, monster? Oh! My very own X! Uh, why do you do that monster?
Cookie Monster : I always like to eat bacon and X.
[laughs maniacally, then leaves] 
Ernie : Stupid monster! He doesn't even know that eggs begin with "E."
Show less «

Kermit the Frog : [trying to come up with a rhyming song lyrics]  Mary had a bicycle. It was painted red as fire. And whenever Mary wanted to take a ride, The bicycle had a flat tire.
Don Music : I like it!
[shouting for joy] 
Don Music : I LIKE IT! Oh, that's great! You have the biggest talent of writing songs. This could be my biggest hit. Would you like to hear it?
Kermit the Frog : Certainly, I would be an honor.
Don Music : Okay, Fine.
Kermit the Frog : [to the viewers]  Ladies and Gentlemen, Live and in person, Here is Don Music doing his new hit song!
Show less «

Old King Cole : What ho! Bring me my royal pipe. And step on it.
Kermit the Frog : [to the TV audience]  At this point, you might think we'd go for the cheap joke. But we're not going to.
Show less «

Ernie : 1Q.
Bert : 2Q.
Ernie : 3Q.
Bert : 4Q.
Ernie : 5Q.
Bert : 6Q.
Ernie : 7Q.
Bert : 8Q.
Ernie : 9Q.
Bert : 10Q.
Ernie : What's that, Bert?
Bert : 10Q!
Ernie : I couldn't hear you, Bert.
Bert : [Yelling]  10Q, 10Q, 10Q!
Ernie : You're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome, Bert.
[laughs] 
Show less «

Bert : [Bert has reluctantly agreed to have Ernie give him a haircut... ]  Ernie. I'm bald.
Ernie : Um... well, I wouldn't say that, Bert.
Bert : You wouldn't say that?
[explodes] 
Bert : No, but it's true!
Ernie : Well, I know it's true, I just wouldn't say it, Bert.
Bert : [hysterical]  You cut all my hair off!
Ernie : Yes, well, I 'm sorry about that...
Bert : Ernie!
Ernie : But, but it will grow back again, you know...
Bert : My hair!
Ernie : - that's one of the great things about hair, you know.
Bert : It'll take a *month* for it to grow back, Ernie!
Ernie : [plaintively]  A whole month?
Bert : A whole month! What are you gonna do about it?
Ernie : Uh... Bert! I have just the thing for you. Just a second.
[ducks off screen] 
Bert : Oh, my hair.
Ernie : [reappears carrying a large book]  Here you go, Bert.
Bert : What is that, a book?
Ernie : Mm-hmm.
[places it on the ledge in front of them] 
Bert : A book won't make my hair grow faster.
Ernie : No, but it'll give you something to do while you're waiting.
[snickers and runs off screen] 
Bert : Errnieee!
Show less «

Ernie : You know, whenever I'm not sleepy, Bert tells me to count sheep.
Count von Count : "Count Sheep?" Who's that?
Ernie : Uh, uh, it's not a who, it's a what.
Show less «

Kermit the Frog : [trying to come up with rhyming song lyrics]  Here, try this. Mary had a little canary. It was bluer than the sky. And every where that Mary went, the canary was sure to fly.
Don Music : [shouts]  But canaries aren't blue!
Kermit the Frog : Jeesh!
Don Music : I'll never get it! Never! You won't help! Oh!
[bangs his head against the piano] 
Kermit the Frog : Uh, you'll hurt yourself in the head, there, Don.
Show less «

Ernie : [Ernie is having Bert's head traced on the screen, unbeknownst to Bert who can't move and doesn't understand why]  Okay, here is Bert's eye.
[His left eye is traced] 
Ernie : And here is Bert's other eye.
[His other eye is traced] 
Ernie : And the eyes are what you see with, right Bert?
[Bert starts to say something, but is cut off immediately by Ernie] 
Ernie : Don't say anything, Bert.
Show less «

[repeated line] 
Kermit the Frog : Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here at Sesame Street News...

[repeated lines] 
Grover : [out in the distance]  He-e-e-e-e-ey, froggy baby!
Kermit the Frog : Oh, no.
[Grover walks to Kermit and slaps his back really hard] 
Kermit the Frog : Oof!
Show less «

Pat Playjacks : Are you ready to play our game, Count?
Count von Count : Oh, Yes. Sure thing, Pat.
Pat Playjacks : What is your guess and how many pig squeals do you think it will be?
Count von Count : Uh, One squeal, No make it two squeals, No wait, three squeals, No four squeals for five squeals.
Pat Playjacks : Uh, Count. We can only take one guess.
Count von Count : One guess, Two guesses, THREE!
Pat Playjacks : THREE! Is three your guess? Okay, That's your guess. Three pig squeals so give the pig a spin on that turntable.
Show less «

Announcer : And now, It's time for the newest, hippest, best dressed detective show on television: "Miami Mice!"
Kermit the Frog : Yeah, There are pal trees out there. What? What's on the palm tree? What's on? Oh, I am on. Oh, I am on. Oh, Cue the music!
[Miami Mice theme plays] 
Kermit the Frog : Hi-ho, This is Kermit the Frog, Speaking to you from the sunny tropics of Miami Florida. And who knows the subject of an adventure, Than the world's famous Miami Mice. And here they are right now, Here is Miami Mice J.P.
J.P. Mouse : Oh, What's Happening?
Kermit the Frog : ...Tito!
Tito Mouse : Que tal, Man!
Kermit the Frog : Today, We are going to talk to you about adventures.
J.P. Mouse : Say what, Frog?
Kermit the Frog : An adventure, Where something exciting happens here!
Tito Mouse : Adventures? Nah, We got none of that here.
J.P. Mouse : Well, I wish we can help you out, Frog.
Kermit the Frog : But you are the world's famous Miami Mice.
Show less «

Guy Smiley (1969-1990) : Does anybody know what the of that shape is?
Betty Lou (1969-2014) : Yes, Of course, Guy. It's a...
Carl : [Buzzes in] 
Guy Smiley (1969-1990) : Yes, Carl?
Carl : Is it a circle?
[Buzzer Sounds] 
Betty Lou (1969-2014) : Oh! No!
Guy Smiley (1969-1990) : Oh, I'm sorry, Carl! But that's the wrong answer!
Betty Lou (1969-2014) : Don't you get it, Carl. The answer is always the same!
Show less «

Count von Count : Did I say Three?
Pat Playjacks : Yes!
Count von Count : I SAID THREE
[HA-HA-HA!] 
Pat Playjacks : That's right. Three squeals, Count Von Count. YOU WON!
Count von Count : Oh, I won!
Prairie Dawn : What? He won? Oh no!
Pat Playjacks : And now, It's time to pick a prize from the studio filled with fabulous prizes and to show them to us is our Co-hostess, Velma Blank. A fifteen gallon tank of finger paint, A hand crafted grapefruit goggle for the protection of that morning squirt, And the larger than life portrait of America's 2nd favorite game show host, Pat Playjacks.
Show less «

Pat Playjacks : Oooooh, I very sorry, Prairie. You guessed ten and there were only five squeals in today's pig, I mean "Squeal of Fortune". That's too bad.
Prairie Dawn : Oh dear. I guess I didn't win. I don't believe this!
Show less «

Guy Smiley #1 : Nope, You are close. But you all guessed wrong! This person is a television game show host, and his name is Sonny Friendly.
Sonny Friendly #1 : [laughs]  Hey, Are we having a nice day or what?
Everybody : WHAT?
Sonny Friendly #1 : And how about that ? Are they good sport or what, audience?
Guy Smiley #1 : Well, This is Guy Smiley saying...
Sonny Friendly #1 : YEAH, LET'S HEAR IT FOR GUY, SHALL WE? He is a wonder guess.
Guy Smiley #1 : [Angrily]  I AM NOT THE GUEST! I AM THE HOST OF THIS SHOW!
Sonny Friendly #1 : This is Sonny Friendly saying...
Guy Smiley #1 : YOU ARE NOT SAYING IT, I AM SAYING IT.
Sonny Friendly #1 : But I
Guy Smiley #1 : NO YOU WON'T...
[to a crew member] 
Guy Smiley #1 : THIS WHOLE THING WAS A ROTTEN IDEA! Who put this man on the show?
Announcer #2 : Guy Smiley's Wardrobe is by Sierra Lagoob. Sonny Friendly's Wardrobe is by Jeff Fredrick.
Show less «

Bert : Hey, Ernie, Ernie! Oh, Ernie, oh, Ernie! It's terrible. It's just awful what just happened to me.
Ernie : Well, what's the matter, Bert?
Bert : Oh, see, I was - I was in the kitchen making some bacon...
Ernie : Yeah...
Bert : And this monster appeared. This huge monster appeared.
[we Cookie Monster right by Ernie's side] 
Ernie : A monster?
Bert : And, he ate all my bacon. Every strip of my bacon he ate. Oh, it's awful.
[Cookie Monster ducks off-screen] 
Ernie : Oh, th - th - that's terrible, Bert.
Bert : Yeah.
Ernie : I mean, we just can't sit still while a monster comes and eats all your bacon.
[Cookie Monster reappears eating a letter "X" Ernie's holding] 
Bert : No.
Bert , Ernie : I mean, what are we going to do about it? I mean, it's...
[they notice Cookie Monster eating the X] 
Bert , Ernie : Oh, no! What are you doing, monster? Oh! My very own X! Uh, why do you do that monster?
Cookie Monster : I always like to eat bacon and X.
[laughs maniacally, then leaves] 
Ernie : Stupid monster! He doesn't even know that eggs begin with "E."
Show less «

Kermit the Frog : [trying to come up with a rhyming song lyrics]  Mary had a bicycle. It was painted red as fire. And whenever Mary wanted to take a ride, The bicycle had a flat tire.
Don Music : I like it!
[shouting for joy] 
Don Music : I LIKE IT! Oh, that's great! You have the biggest talent of writing songs. This could be my biggest hit. Would you like to hear it?
Kermit the Frog : Certainly, I would be an honor.
Don Music : Okay, Fine.
Kermit the Frog : [to the viewers]  Ladies and Gentlemen, Live and in person, Here is Don Music doing his new hit song!
Show less «