Mac : I have an idea.
Frank Reynolds : [turns in fear]  Where did you come from?
Mac : Frank, I've been walking next to you this entire time.
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College Student : [dissecting poop]  Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
Dennis Reynolds : All right, well, now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
Charlie Kelly : It's gonna go both ways, dude. Sorry.
Dennis Reynolds : Really?
Charlie Kelly : Yeah. What else? What else?
College Student : This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
Frank Reynolds : Inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds : How is that not specific to one of you?
Charlie Kelly : I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive.
College Student : Oh, boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
Charlie Kelly : Well, don't give us judgements; just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
College Student : Is this wolf hair?
Frank Reynolds : Also inconclusive.
Dennis Reynolds : Jesus Christ!
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Mac : I think you should bang Gail the Snail.
Frank Reynolds : My neice?
Mac : Yeah.
Frank Reynolds : Gail the Snail?
Mac : Dude, what's more depraved than that, huh? She's not blood related so it's not that weird.
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Dennis Reynolds : Charlie can't read.
Frank Reynolds : He'll adapt.
Dennis Reynolds : He'll adapt to reading?
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Frank Reynolds : [singing]  You got to pay the troll toll if you want to get into this boy's hole!
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Frank Reynolds : I'm the Trash Man! I come out, I throw trash all over the- all over the ring! And then I start eatin' garbage! And then I pick up the trash can, and I bash the guy on the head.
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Charlie Kelly : So what, you want a maid?
Frank Reynolds : That's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.
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Charlie Kelly : Hooooly shit! Is that the ocean?
Dennis Reynolds : Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
Charlie Kelly : What's on the other side of it there?
Frank Reynolds : Europe.
Charlie Kelly : Now, how long would it take...
Dennis Reynolds : Do not try and swim to Europe.
Charlie Kelly : *Don't* swim to Europe...
Frank Reynolds : Do not.
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Frank Reynolds : We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
Mac : There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it!
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Mac : Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie Kelly : I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank Reynolds : Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.
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Frank Reynolds : [introducing himself to a group of parents who have gathered at Paddy's Pub to enter their children in a pageant]  I know some of you may have heard about that other guy... I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that; that's not my thing. I met that guy in a titty bar!
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[preparing for a child's beauty pageant] 
Mort : Frank. Frank. I need some water. My mouth is dry.
Frank Reynolds : Your mouth is dry. Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.
[Mac and Charlie raise their hands] 
Dennis Reynolds : Okay...
Charlie Kelly : Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?
Dee Reynolds : [raises hand]  I have a...
Charlie Kelly : Who's that?
Frank Reynolds : He's the mortician. I invited him.
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