Nick Miller : Schmidt, if you come back, I'll let you clean my room.
Schmidt : [gasps]  The white whale.
Nick Miller : Think of how many dust bunnies are under my bed; how many stray socks.
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Nick Miller : Jess has absolutely lost her mind.
Jess : I have not lost my mind! I'm just scared.
Nick Miller : Would you trust me? You're gonna be fine. You're gonna meet somebody and fall in love and then before you know it you're gonna
[makes popping sounds] 
Jess : With who, Nick? Who's gonna lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent?
Schmidt : I'll man up. But I must warn you, Jess - I don't have sperms. I have tadpoles. Of the gods. And I'm gonna give 'em to you. You can have 'em all for all I care. That's how much I love you. I feel your pain in this situation. I want you to have babies. Take my sperms.
Winston Bishop : No. It should be me, Jess.
Jess : [baffled]  What?
Winston Bishop : With your big, beautiful blue eyes and my Blair Underwood-like skin, we'd have the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen.
Schmidt : He's not wrong. It could get into any school it wants.
Jess : To be clear, I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me. I think it's important that's been said.
Nick Miller : Good. 'Cause it's definitely not me.
Jess : Cause it's definitely not you.
Nick Miller : I would love that little baby with all my heart. Even if I did show it by picking him up from school in my underwear and hitting on the crossing guard.
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Schmidt : Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will, I could break them up with one email. Oh look at that, look at the royal baby now, living with slutty Aunt Pippa.
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Schmidt : I'm in way over my head, Nick. I'm doing something terrible.
Nick Miller : Well, what is it, man?
Schmidt : You're gonna get mad at me.
Nick Miller : I'm your best friend. I was there for you when you fell off the deck at Chester's graduation and I'm here for you now. There's nothing you could say that I'd get mad at.
Schmidt : Okay, I can do this.
[laughs uncomfortably] 
Schmidt : Do you know I broke up with Elizabeth so that I could start dating Cece again?
Nick Miller : Absolutely, and it was really hard for you.
Schmidt : Yeah, that actually never happened.
Nick Miller : What do you mean?
Schmidt : I'm still dating Elizabeth.
Nick Miller : [confused]  What do you mean?
Schmidt : I'm dating both of them, and neither one of them knows it, and I feel terrible about it.
Nick Miller : But Elizabeth is gone.
[Schmidt shakes his head] 
Nick Miller : What do you mean?
Schmidt : She's not gone.
Nick Miller : So you broke up with Cece...
Schmidt : I didn't break up with either one of them.
Nick Miller : [horrified]  What do you mean?
Schmidt : You process this however you need to process it. If you want to keep talking it out...
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Jess : Schmidt! Hey! My best friend? You Long Island street trash!
Schmidt : Dammit, Nick! You told her?
Jess : No he didn't tell me! I-I happened upon it!
Schmidt : Oh, you happened upon it? Where, in the town square?
Nick Miller : Jess, I swear I never wanted to be involved in this. You're so pretty.
Jess : Put your freaking visor down.
[turns to Schmidt] 
Jess : Now you will tell Cece or I will, you... you crumb bum!
Schmidt : Jess...
Jess : You crumb bum!
Schmidt : Yes, well said.
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Nick Miller : Guys, let's just say that hypothetically, a girl says something to you while she's on painkillers. And that girl says that she might want to have sexual intercourse with you...
Winston Bishop : Please tell me we're not talking about Jess.
Nick Miller : And you had no idea that's how she felt. Like, no idea. You thought the door was closed. In fact, you thought that door was so closed that you went out to another door but had I known that the first door was open, that's the door I wanted to walk through. I would've walked through that door. Do you see how I'm in a tough spot?
Schmidt : Can we stop calling it 'walking through a door' because for me I feel it's more like sliding past a drape.
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Schmidt : I found this parking spot.
[everyone argues] 
Schmidt : Give me the spot or I'll kill you all!
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Schmidt : [hands Cece his shoes]  Take these, and take care of them. I can get a tetanus shot, but I can't cure damaged suede.
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