All about Himself 66v1w Team Captain on Tornado Movies! List of films with a character: Have I Got News for You - Season 55, Have I Got News for You

Des Lynam : Do you know how the police refer to victims of crime?
Ian Hislop : Customers?
Des ...Show more »

Des Lynam : Do you know how the police refer to victims of crime?
Ian Hislop : Customers?
Des Lynam : Yes!
Ian Hislop : What does that make criminals - clients?
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Ian Hislop : I should go on Mastermind, answering questions on the life and times of Jeffery Archer....Show more »

Ian Hislop : I should go on Mastermind, answering questions on the life and times of Jeffery Archer. I'd get more questions right than he would!
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[on a question about Pokémon]
Ian Hislop : This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and...Show more »

[on a question about Pokémon]
Ian Hislop : This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and craze in history, of badly-conceived little monsters that fight each other, and children trade cards and have a fantastic knowledge of a hundred and fifty monsters. They can't five countries and their capital cities, but just about every child in the country can tell you that Charmeleon evolves into Charmander and then turns into Machop and then kills someone or other, it's absolute garbage.
[flippantly]
Ian Hislop : I've got an idea for these medieval history cards that I think are going to be a big hit in the playground.
Angus Deayton : You're pretty angry about this, aren't you?
Ian Hislop : I'm very, very bored. I've seen the Pokémon movie, which is probably the worst movie ever made on any subject ever.
Paul Merton : You haven't seen "Kevin & Perry Go Large", then?
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Tom Baker : I used to go out with a girl who smelled like a bonfire.
Ian Hislop : She was a witch...Show more »

Tom Baker : I used to go out with a girl who smelled like a bonfire.
Ian Hislop : She was a witch, was she?
Tom Baker : She may have been a witch, but oh, she was a goer!
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[the teams watch a clip of John Kerry attending a church service during the election]
Ian Hislo...Show more »

[the teams watch a clip of John Kerry attending a church service during the election]
Ian Hislop : Reading the Bible, checking to find something he's missed.
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Ian Hislop : [asked to sum up the Million Man March] Louis Farrakhan says America is racist and he...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [asked to sum up the Million Man March] Louis Farrakhan says America is racist and he blames the Jews.
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Ian Hislop : It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub o...Show more »

Ian Hislop : It is getting rather sad when I can't win against Paul when he's accompanied by a tub of lard and the questions are in a foreign language.
Angus Deayton : We did everything we could, Ian, but...
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Ian Hislop : [in Missing Words round - "'What' kills hippo"] Jam.
[audience laughs]
Ian Hi...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [in Missing Words round - "'What' kills hippo"] Jam.
[audience laughs]
Ian Hislop : You see, Piers?
Piers Morgan : See, that's comedy.
Angus Deayton : The answer is 'tennis ball'. The tragic tale of a two ton hippo who swallowed a tennis ball in .
Clive Anderson : [to Piers Morgan] Surely you must have covered that in the Daily Mirror? That's exactly the sort of, page 5 story?
Piers Morgan : What do you know about newspaper editing, Clive?
Clive Anderson : About as much as you do!
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Katharine Ryan : I hate bread. Ever since I was seven. That's not food, it's a napkin.
Ian Hislop...Show more »

Katharine Ryan : I hate bread. Ever since I was seven. That's not food, it's a napkin.
Ian Hislop : You know, historically it is food. All those ducks can't be wrong.
Katharine Ryan : It's bad for the ducks too! It's Quack Cocaine!
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Paul Merton : I can see you as Zorro!
Ian Hislop : Zorro, the gay blade!
Des Lynam : I've neve...Show more »

Paul Merton : I can see you as Zorro!
Ian Hislop : Zorro, the gay blade!
Des Lynam : I've never been accused of that - yet!
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Angus Deayton : Do I sense that this is another week you haven't been reading the papers?
Paul Me...Show more »

Angus Deayton : Do I sense that this is another week you haven't been reading the papers?
Paul Merton : Absolutely. It's a great burden off my shoulders.
Angus Deayton : Evidently. And onto ours, by the sounds of it.
Paul Merton : What does that mean?
Ian Hislop : It means the burden es from yours to his because he has to fill you in on the story, it's not too difficult.
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Ian Hislop : I may be out of touch, but I've eaten a Golden Graham!

[caption competition - a photo of a solemn-looking Angus wearing a motorbike helmet with a skull and...Show more »

[caption competition - a photo of a solemn-looking Angus wearing a motorbike helmet with a skull and crossbones on it, but also wearing a shirt and tie as per usual. A biker is in the background]
Paul Merton : General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last.
Ian Hislop : New chapter opens of Hells Chartered ants.
Tom Baker : How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr Death?
[this draws the biggest laugh from the audience]
Ian Hislop : Angus takes his stabilisers off.
Paul Merton : Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr Deayton.
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Angus Deayton : [to Michael Crick] Archer's obviously very aware of your interest in him. We've go...Show more »

Angus Deayton : [to Michael Crick] Archer's obviously very aware of your interest in him. We've got a clip of him here complaining about the way that the BBC make programs about him.
[clip of a visibly annoyed Jeffrey Archer talking to a camera crew in a park plays]
Jeffrey Archer : Oh, hello, Mr Crick - what do you think of think Jeffrey Archer - clip-clip-clip! Oh, come on! Who are you kidding? You wait til I'm mayor, you'll find out how tough I am! Christ almighty!
[audience laughs]
Paul Merton : Can I put in a special request in to see that all again?
Angus Deayton : Yeah, I don't see why not, let's have it again.
[the clip plays again, everyone laughs again]
Paul Merton : Brilliant. You'd have to have a heart of stone not to laugh out loud, wouldn't you?
Ian Hislop : It is funny how whenever the Tories look as though they might be just coming off the level of utterly hopeless, Archer pops up!
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Piers Morgan : Is the answer jam?
[no one laughs]
Angus Deayton : Not in so many words, no.<...Show more »

Piers Morgan : Is the answer jam?
[no one laughs]
Angus Deayton : Not in so many words, no.
Piers Morgan : I only said that because last week Eddie Izzard said that and you roared with laughter, as if it was hilarious. Just thought I'd say it.
Ian Hislop : People like him.
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Ian Hislop : I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or somethi...Show more »

Ian Hislop : I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?
Paula Yates : You say one more thing, he's going to hit you.
Paul Merton : Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours.
Angus Deayton : [to the camera] It was around the beginning of the 10th series that things began to get nasty.
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Paula Yates : [narrowing her eyes at Ian] Don't even look at me. You sperm of the devil.
[audie...Show more »

Paula Yates : [narrowing her eyes at Ian] Don't even look at me. You sperm of the devil.
[audience laughs. She tries to carry on talking but Ian is too busy sneering at the malapropism she's just made]
Ian Hislop : Sperm of the devil! Even your insults emanate from the genitals!
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Angus Deayton : The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do...Show more »

Angus Deayton : The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?
Sheila Hancock : Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.
Angus Deayton : Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...
Paul Merton : I-T?
Angus Deayton : ...you actually spell 'it', I-T.
Sheila Hancock : [groans] Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... That is pathetic!
Paul Merton : Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress!
Ian Hislop : You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!
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Ian Hislop : I was on Desert Island Discs once, and they asked me what my luxury should be and I sai...Show more »

Ian Hislop : I was on Desert Island Discs once, and they asked me what my luxury should be and I said "Frosties", and then Frosties sent me a year's supply. My wife said I was an idiot and should have said "A BMW".
Paul Merton : A Desert Island with Frosties? What were you going to put on the Frosties?
Ian Hislop : Milk.
Paul Merton : Where'd you get the milk?
Ian Hislop : A Coconut.
Paul Merton : How'd you get in the Coconut?
Ian Hislop : With a knife I'd fashioned from my Tibia!
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Ian Hislop : [she's misheard something he said about the parachuted beavers story] Ah, you were on...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [she's misheard something he said about the parachuted beavers story] Ah, you were on a "beaver" theme.
Katharine Ryan : I thought you were saying that sex was "invading the creek", and I loved that!
Ian Hislop : Well, we could do a retake.
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Ian Hislop : It'll be paid for out of efficiency cuts. Which means sacking people, usually. The idea...Show more »

Ian Hislop : It'll be paid for out of efficiency cuts. Which means sacking people, usually. The idea that the NHS wasn't 7 days is a bit of a scandal, anyway. One of the reasons it's not is because GPs were given this amazing contract where they don't have to work after hours any more. And all that was outsourced to people who said they'd do it cheaper, and like most outsourcing you do it cheaper because you don't do it very well!
[applause]
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Ian Hislop : I was watching Big Brother the other night...
Charlotte Church : Oh, I did a project...Show more »

Ian Hislop : I was watching Big Brother the other night...
Charlotte Church : Oh, I did a project on that, for school!
Ian Hislop : ...I think I'm going to kill myself.
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Charlotte Church : The President asked me what "State" Wales was in.
Ian Hislop : And you said "T...Show more »

Charlotte Church : The President asked me what "State" Wales was in.
Ian Hislop : And you said "Terrible"?
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Brian Sewell : [Ian has used the word "less" improperly] Fewer!
Ian Hislop : May I say what an ...Show more »

Brian Sewell : [Ian has used the word "less" improperly] Fewer!
Ian Hislop : May I say what an honour it is to be corrected by you?
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Ian Hislop : [Robert] Maxwell was a crook and an arms dealer and he's dead so he can't sue.

Ian Hislop : [Google Books' digital errors] What happens in Scotland, on Bums Night?
Guest : Th...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [Google Books' digital errors] What happens in Scotland, on Bums Night?
Guest : They all anuses and sing Auld Lang Syne!
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Ian Hislop : ...Allegedly!

Gary Lineker : [Refereeing Magazine, Missing Words round] "At the start of your career, you should...Show more »

Gary Lineker : [Refereeing Magazine, Missing Words round] "At the start of your career, you should ask other referees about what, what, and what?"
Ian Hislop : Offside, onside and suicide?
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Rob Brydon : How did Tony Blair slip up this week giving a speech about the NHS?
Ian Hislop : Was...Show more »

Rob Brydon : How did Tony Blair slip up this week giving a speech about the NHS?
Ian Hislop : Was it the old joke about the politician who stands up and says "The NHS's safe is in my hands. No, sorry, I mean the NHS is safe in my hands!"?
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Janet Street-Porter : ["The Queen is dead" Tweet] There was that rather over-excited nurse, too, w...Show more »

Janet Street-Porter : ["The Queen is dead" Tweet] There was that rather over-excited nurse, too, wasn't there? At least she was in Hospital that time.
Ian Hislop : Yes, it's rare but not unheard of in this country that after going into Hospital you come out again.
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Ian Hislop : [Stephen Hawking wants to be a Bond Villain] Stephen Hawking operates his Voice Synth...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [Stephen Hawking wants to be a Bond Villain] Stephen Hawking operates his Voice Synthesiser by moving one muscle in his face, so he's already doing better than Roger Moore...
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Ian Hislop : Stephen Hawking had an upgrade on his Computerised Voice Synthesiser, so it's faster no...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Stephen Hawking had an upgrade on his Computerised Voice Synthesiser, so it's faster now but he lost all his old photos, and it's made him think about the dangers of Artificial Intelligence, because it predicts what he's saying, so he feels the need to warn us of the dangers of technology ri against us. And, of course, Professor Schwartzenegger tried to warn us about this back in the Eighties in Terminator!
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Martin Clunes : What Literary Award have you just won?
Kirsty Wark : The Bad Sex Award!
Ian Hi...Show more »

Martin Clunes : What Literary Award have you just won?
Kirsty Wark : The Bad Sex Award!
Ian Hislop : The Bad Sex Award?
Kirsty Wark : Sorry, the Bad Sex in Literature Award!
Reginald D. Hunter : I was going to say, you took winning that quite well!
Paul Merton : You won that first award, too, though, didn't you?
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Kirsty Wark : [Nigel Farage's Claridges Gaffe] I think it's interesting that he's against breastfe...Show more »

Kirsty Wark : [Nigel Farage's Claridges Gaffe] I think it's interesting that he's against breastfeeding when we have Page 3 in the Sun, which presumably he's for?
Ian Hislop : As a personal freedom issue, yes.
Kirsty Wark : As opposed to breastfeeding in Hotel Lobbies?
Ian Hislop : Which is down to taste!
[laughter, applause]
Reginald D. Hunter : Did he say that? That he was against Page 3?
Ian Hislop : We haven't asked him.
Reginald D. Hunter : I'm not rooting for the guy. It's just he fucks up so often you don't need to be making stuff up!
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Kirsty Wark : ["Poor people can't cook" Headline] What did you have for breakfast?
Ian Hislop :...Show more »

Kirsty Wark : ["Poor people can't cook" Headline] What did you have for breakfast?
Ian Hislop : Oh, no time for Breakfast! Coffee and Cigarettes!
Paul Merton : And wild, wild women!
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Ian Hislop : Oh, is that the right answer? You were looking at me as though I was an idiot.
Jo Br...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Oh, is that the right answer? You were looking at me as though I was an idiot.
Jo Brand : That's got nothing to do with the question.
Paul Merton : She's a former psychiatric nurse, it's a professional appraisal!
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Michael Aspel : The Big Brother Contestant said "Are you pushing it out, nigger?"
Paul Merton : W...Show more »

Michael Aspel : The Big Brother Contestant said "Are you pushing it out, nigger?"
Paul Merton : What does "Pushing it out" mean, Ian?
Ian Hislop : "Pushing it out"... is expressing enthusiasm... in dance form.
Reginald D. Hunter : When the Revolution comes, I'm gonna tell them to leave you alone!
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Ian Hislop : [SAT Tests] All these kids were coming out of schools illiterate and innumerate so th...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [SAT Tests] All these kids were coming out of schools illiterate and innumerate so the Government said "We're going to introduce these tests to fix it" but then they realised no-one would them so it's all cancelled.
Paul Merton : Yeah, but kids who are illiterate and innumerate, they don't count, do they?
[groans from the audience]
Paul Merton : You'll be using it tomorrow!
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Ian Hislop : [Rupert the Bear gets a Blue Plaque] Aren't those meant for real people?
Paul Mert...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [Rupert the Bear gets a Blue Plaque] Aren't those meant for real people?
Paul Merton : Are you suggesting that Mr. Bear...?
Ian Hislop : Not for a moment!
Jeremy Clarkson - Guest Presenter : I love Rupert the Bear stories, especially the one where Bill Badger was gassed.
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Sanjeev Baskar : What was the name of the man who ran the first Marathon?
Ian Hislop : Phidippide...Show more »

Sanjeev Baskar : What was the name of the man who ran the first Marathon?
Ian Hislop : Phidippides!
Rebecca Front : An actor's life for me!
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Frank Skinner : What is the fastest growing language in the UK?
Ian Hislop : Emoji!
Frank Skin...Show more »

Frank Skinner : What is the fastest growing language in the UK?
Ian Hislop : Emoji!
Frank Skinner : It is Emoji.
Ian Hislop : In which I happen to be fluent.
Guest : Oh! Laughing face laughing face crying face poo?
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Margaret Thatcher : [in an old interview; talking about Rolf Harris' song 'Two Little Boys'] Two b...Show more »

Margaret Thatcher : [in an old interview; talking about Rolf Harris' song 'Two Little Boys'] Two brothers fighting on opposite sides, and one sees the other. "Did you think I'd leave you dying when there's room on my horse for two?"
Ian Hislop : Maggie would have shot the wounded one in the head!
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Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Undisclosed Offshore Holdings Scandal] What was the Scand...Show more »

Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Undisclosed Offshore Holdings Scandal] What was the Scandinavian Prime Minister's name?
Henning Wehn : Sven?
Ian Hislop : I get a German on the show and he uses a racial stereotype!
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Boris Johnson : This policeman stopped me on my bike, apparently it's a "lethal weapon".
Ian Hisl...Show more »

Boris Johnson : This policeman stopped me on my bike, apparently it's a "lethal weapon".
Ian Hislop : Did you say "Do you know who I am?"
Paul Merton : I've got no idea, myself.
Boris Johnson : Perhaps he could have told me...
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Boris Johnson : I meant no plagiarisms.
Ian Hislop : I wouldn't accuse you of anything so calcula...Show more »

Boris Johnson : I meant no plagiarisms.
Ian Hislop : I wouldn't accuse you of anything so calculated!
Paul Merton : Nobody could plagiarise you, Boris! There is no-one like you, you are unique!
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Rick Wakeman : My Wife wasn't a Miss World, but she was a Miss something...
Ian Hislop : A Mistak...Show more »

Rick Wakeman : My Wife wasn't a Miss World, but she was a Miss something...
Ian Hislop : A Mistake?
Rick Wakeman : I quite liked Miss Bournemouth, but the tide's gone out...
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Ian Hislop : The Tea Party, which is a sort of UKIP with guns...

Richard E. Grant : I must confess I only got 9% on O-level Maths.
Ian Hislop : 9%? That's an A-st...Show more »

Richard E. Grant : I must confess I only got 9% on O-level Maths.
Ian Hislop : 9%? That's an A-star now!
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Trevor MacDonald : A whistling woman and a crowing hen...?
Paul Merton : A whistling woman and a ...Show more »

Trevor MacDonald : A whistling woman and a crowing hen...?
Paul Merton : A whistling woman and a crowing hen may not look the same when the rain comes in. It's a weather thing. If a cow lies down it soon will snow, if a squirrel jumps, ho-di-ho.
Marcus Brigstocke : I live by that proverb.
Paul Merton : You poor devil.
Marcus Brigstocke : It's confusing, but, you know...
Ian Hislop : They all end ho-di-ho, Medieval proverbs! Can you just repeat it one more time, Sir Trevor, for our amusement?
Trevor MacDonald : A whistling woman and a crowing hen...?
Ian Hislop : Change their name from Griselda to Ben?
Trevor MacDonald : Very good, but not the right answer. A whistling woman and a crowing hen are neither fit for God nor Men!
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Ian Hislop : Garlic deters MRSA? I think that's the first useful bit of information we've had on thi...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Garlic deters MRSA? I think that's the first useful bit of information we've had on this show!
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Ian Hislop : You bought one courgette?
Miranda Hart : I live alone!

Guest : Oooh! Buzz!
Ian Hislop : You've been on this kind of a high-end show before, haven't you?...Show more »

Guest : Oooh! Buzz!
Ian Hislop : You've been on this kind of a high-end show before, haven't you?
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Boris Johnson : One might ride a Quad Bike at Oxford, in the Quad!
Rick Wakeman : By that logic, ...Show more »

Boris Johnson : One might ride a Quad Bike at Oxford, in the Quad!
Rick Wakeman : By that logic, only bisexuals could ride bicycles.
Ian Hislop : It's like a trireme, Boris, you've heard of those?
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Gyles Brandreth : We do know that the Beatles Greatest Hits were all written before we ed the EU...Show more »

Gyles Brandreth : We do know that the Beatles Greatest Hits were all written before we ed the EU.
Ian Hislop : Is that the definitive argument?
Gyles Brandreth : The definite argument is "Where's your coin, let's toss it!" That's what I shall be doing.
Paul Merton : So you're saying it's a bunch of tossers?
Gyles Brandreth : I fear nobody knows which way it's going to go, nobody knows which way it should go, all we know is that it will mean THE END OF THE WORLD!
Paul Merton : We're inviting Armageddon, then?
Gyles Brandreth : If we vote to Exit, apparently, everything, everything will collapse. Already Barbara Windsor on EastEnders has committed suicide in anticipation of Brexit. Our Houses will be worthless, there will be a Third World War, it's going to be appalling, so totally appalling. But of course, if we stay in, we are going to be overwhelmed by 200 million people coming here a week! Arriving on our shores. Mostly from Turkey but not delightful.
Ian Hislop : I'm amazed you're not the spokesman for both sides!
Gyles Brandreth : I feel in a way that I am! Because I know that they don't know, because I've been there before.
Ian Hislop : You've been a Tory MP, and you know that they know nothing?
Gyles Brandreth : Well I knew I had contempt for my constituents but I was amazed to find the feeling was mutual. I 20 years ago when we were voting to come out of the ERM, Exchange Rate Mechanism, we either all had to be in it or...
Ian Hislop : It's not The One Show Gyles, you can use big words!
Gyles Brandreth : I'm just trying to give some substance.
Paul Merton : Don't interrupt Gyles during his one-man show!
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Gary Lineker : Thousands of football fans are on the streets of Leicester today. Why is that, Ian? Show more »

Gary Lineker : Thousands of football fans are on the streets of Leicester today. Why is that, Ian?
Ian Hislop : They're very happy.
Gary Lineker : Why are they happy, Ian?
Ian Hislop : They've won.
Gary Lineker : What have they won, Ian?
Ian Hislop : They've won... the thing.
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Paul Merton : They've finally found the tomb of Tutankhamun but the bad news is he's dead.
Sara C...Show more »

Paul Merton : They've finally found the tomb of Tutankhamun but the bad news is he's dead.
Sara Cox : I kind of struggle with History, really. I've got cavemen, Jesus, Henry VIII and then us. Anything in between...
Paul Merton : That's basically it, anyway.
Ian Hislop : That's certainly the full school syllabus at the moment!
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Michael Aspel : What did Howard Carter do when he first found the tomb?
Sara Cox : Didn't he like...Show more »

Michael Aspel : What did Howard Carter do when he first found the tomb?
Sara Cox : Didn't he like wrench it open really roughly?
Reginald D. Hunter : Didn't he die horribly, years later? The Curse of King Kong?
Ian Hislop : You've done the same History Course as Sara!
Reginald D. Hunter : I come out of that fine American Education System...
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Reginald D. Hunter : Every year some dumb little white girl on Big Brother gets made the poster chil...Show more »

Reginald D. Hunter : Every year some dumb little white girl on Big Brother gets made the poster child for racism in this country. It's about context, they were friends, but Channel 4 didn't have no balls and caved to public pressure. If the white girl had been wearing a Police Officer's uniform...
Ian Hislop : Is this "Nigger" and "Poofter"?
Paul Merton : No, they're "Michael" and "Reginald". Let's not get too informal!
Ian Hislop : It's context, Paul, we're friends!
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Michael Aspel : This is Sir Ian Blair, who believes he should keep his job, despite the shooting of ...Show more »

Michael Aspel : This is Sir Ian Blair, who believes he should keep his job, despite the shooting of Jean Charles De Menezes, who has received a vote of no confidence from the London Assembly. What was his ballsy response?
Paul Merton : If you've got the authority and confidence to sack me, do it, otherwise I'm going home.
Michael Aspel : He said it was just a one-off.
Ian Hislop : It wasn't for Menezes! Someone said in a bygone age Sir Blair would have been given a bottle of whiskey and a revolver and then would be escorted to his office to quietly do the honorable thing. Knowing him, he'd drink the whiskey and come out with the revolver!
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Katharine Ryan : [Missing words round] What can cause long stretches of disappointment and depress...Show more »

Katharine Ryan : [Missing words round] What can cause long stretches of disappointment and depression interspersed by moments of joy?
Ian Hislop : Is it "Being Alive"?
Katharine Ryan : Aw! Ian!
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Ian Hislop : If we say it, it's a word!

Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Missing words round] David Suchet reveals that he used to...Show more »

Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Missing words round] David Suchet reveals that he used to hide what, playing Poirot?
Paul Merton : Moustache!
Godfrey Bloom : Oh I know this one! He used to hide pennies up his arse and clench them between his buttocks, in order to get Poirot's mincing walk right! It was a trick he learned from Lawrence Olivier, who had more than pennies up his arse at one point!
Ian Hislop : Ha! Right down to the line, Godfrey?
Godfrey Bloom : Well, I know you're not going to ask me back...
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Ian Hislop : They've tried to get young people involved by calling the Referendum "Votey McVoteface"...Show more »

Ian Hislop : They've tried to get young people involved by calling the Referendum "Votey McVoteface"?
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Frankie Boyle : Ian and Julia, your four are: Pot Black Snooker, The Biami Tribe, The Natural Enviro...Show more »

Frankie Boyle : Ian and Julia, your four are: Pot Black Snooker, The Biami Tribe, The Natural Environment Research Council's Polar Research Vessel, and the Fossilised Egg of an Elephant Bird.
Julia Hartley-Brewer : Well we know about the Polar Vessel because people voted to call it "Boatey McBoatface" in an online poll or "Boring McBoring Face" but the Government decided that was wrong so they're going to call it "The Sir David Attenborough". But that, rather wonderfully, prompted a petition for Sir David Attenborough to change his name to "Sir David McDavidface".
Ian Hislop : This is about changing your name? It's not called "Pot Black" anymore?
Paul Merton : Every colour is equal!
Adil Ray : Is there a link to Sir David Attenborough?
Paul Merton : It's because David Attenborough was the controller of BBC 2 back when Pot Black was commissioned in 1969. Because it was a program made for colour TV
Adil Ray : Did he discover all these except for...
Julia Hartley-Brewer : Boatey McBoatface!
Frankie Boyle : Absolutely right. I thought it could have been a lot worse asking the British Public to decide on something. It could have been called "The Harold Shipman".
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Adil Ray : [odd one out round] Big slugs are coming to get us?
Ian Hislop : Is that what happen...Show more »

Adil Ray : [odd one out round] Big slugs are coming to get us?
Ian Hislop : Is that what happens if you leave the EU?
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Julia Hartley-Brewer : I mean, no offense here, Frankie, but...
Ian Hislop : Is that the first ti...Show more »

Julia Hartley-Brewer : I mean, no offense here, Frankie, but...
Ian Hislop : Is that the first time anyone's ever said "No offense" to Frankie Boyle?
Frankie Boyle : None taken!
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Paul Merton : [Ian has a sore throat] This voice of yours, Ian, do you take requests?
Ian Hislo...Show more »

Paul Merton : [Ian has a sore throat] This voice of yours, Ian, do you take requests?
Ian Hislop : I'll say anything.
Paul Merton : Say "Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear boy?"
Ian Hislop : Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear boy?
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Ian Hislop : Those police always have warrants because those are fictional characters. Our police ar...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Those police always have warrants because those are fictional characters. Our police are less well-trained than our actors.
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Ian Hislop : [as Bishop of Southwark] You're my besht mate, you are!

Ian Hislop : [Trump] This could be the next President.
David Tennant : I sense that's hard to g...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [Trump] This could be the next President.
David Tennant : I sense that's hard to get out?
Ian Hislop : I nearly said "And he'll meet with Prime Minister Johnson"
[goes crosseyed]
Ian Hislop : "to discuss being mad..."
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Jane Moore : [Tony Blair its to wearing glasses] It was Cherie's idea, actually, because she'd ...Show more »

Jane Moore : [Tony Blair its to wearing glasses] It was Cherie's idea, actually, because she'd finally got tired of him squinting in bed.
Ian Hislop : Was he at the wrong end?
Jane Moore : Who can say?
Paul Merton : There are other reasons for squinting in bed, of course.
Angus Deayton : Such as?
Paul Merton : Use your imagination, Angus! We'd send out a search party for it, but they'd never come back!
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Ian Hislop : Most cows are called "Buttercup".
Paul Merton : That must be very confusing for them...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Most cows are called "Buttercup".
Paul Merton : That must be very confusing for them!
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Clive Anderson : What else has happened that has put a strain on relationships between the West and ...Show more »

Clive Anderson : What else has happened that has put a strain on relationships between the West and the Middle East?
Paul Merton : Oh! This is the teddy bear.
Clive Anderson : The teddy bear, you're straight to it. Yes.
Paul Merton : Yes, I don't know who Pudsey is, because the Children in Need bear is called "Pudsey", so I hope that's not...
Will Self : That is a Deity! Actually, that is a deity of the Aturi pygmies who are sworn to kill everybody who works for the BBC.
Clive Anderson : So Pudsey may well be offending someone, but this...
Paul Merton : Yes, it's the teacher, who, the bear was named "Mohamed" after one of the kids in the class, and she's just been found guilty and 15 days in prison, then she'll be deported.
Chris Addison : British Rail never made this fuss when that bloke named that bear Paddington
Paul Merton : Yes, the mind boggles, never made a fuss then.
Clive Anderson : No.
Chris Addison : Just stuck him by some suitcases and gave him a marmalade sandwich.
Will Self : Well, you say that, but he'd been hanging round the station for ages with a label round his neck saying "Please introduce this bear to a life of Prostitution and Drug-addiction".
Clive Anderson : Unfortunately, he never bumped into you! So, you know. Do you think her mistake was allowing the pupils in the class to take a vote?
Ian Hislop : She didn't make any mistakes!
Will Self : Yeah.
Clive Anderson : No.
Ian Hislop : She asked the children "What would you like to call the bear?", and they all said "Muhammed", and the boy said "Because my name's Muhammed."And she was surrounded by lunatics. Who then said "Death to the Primary School Teacher! Behead middle-aged women who'd like to do children a favour now!" And then taken to Court "This is a serious offence!", senior Muslim clerics in Sudan saying "Oh yes, this is on a par with Salman Rushdie!" "Oh yes, of course it is! Let's lash her!"
Chris Addison : Senior Sudanese clerics were saying that this is part of a Western Plot against Islam, which is a rubbish plot.
Paul Merton : To be fair, it has been uncovered in the early stages!
Chris Addison : "We start with the bears, we move on to the giraffes, and from there Chaos, my friends!"
Paul Merton : "The Animal Kingdom is ours!"
Ian Hislop : Anyway, they're moderate in the Sudan, at least she wasn't in Saudi!
Chris Addison : In Saudi Arabia, they'd chop the bear's paw off! The stuffing comes out, and it's a nightmare.
Will Self : Then it could be the mascot for the Saudi Children in Need Appeal!
Clive Anderson : British Teacher Gillian Gibbons was in Prison for 15 days after her class named a teddy bear Muhammed. Sudan's top clerics are demanding that the full force of the law be used over this stuffed bear incident. Of course, the diplomatic situation is at a delicate stage, so we have to be careful what we say about these vindictive, ranting nutters. One moderate Cleric suggested that the bear be renamed Winnie the Pooh, but when it emerged that Winnie the Pooh has a friend called Piglet, he was promptly stoned to death. Many people in Sudan are saying that the authorities over-reacted and the Sudanese Embassy in London called it "A storm in a teacup". WELL HOW DARE THEY INSULT THE VESSEL OF OUR NATIONAL BEVERAGE! MAY A THOUSAND SCONES RAIN DOWN ON THEIR HEADS!
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Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Is your Body Beach-Ready, Ian?
Ian Hislop : Hell, yes! Show more »

Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Is your Body Beach-Ready, Ian?
Ian Hislop : Hell, yes!
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Ian Hislop : You're being very negative.
Guest : Brexit!

Host : Freemasons face what?
Ian Hislop : East?

Guest : They're the UK Independence Party and they've got it, so why are they still around? When the...Show more »

Guest : They're the UK Independence Party and they've got it, so why are they still around? When they get up in the morning, what have they got on their To Do List, now?
Ian Hislop : To make sure there's no backsliding.
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Ian Hislop : I think the lawyers have woken up.

Ian Hislop : And they're behind Theresa May like Stormtroopers!
[Hums "The Imperial March" from S...Show more »

Ian Hislop : And they're behind Theresa May like Stormtroopers!
[Hums "The Imperial March" from Star Wars]
Paul Merton : You're having one of your turns again, Ian! You asked us to tell you when it happens! His nose bleeds when he has to deal with Popular Culture...
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Ian Hislop : [Stop the War Protest] Have you seen this? I mean, this isn't the Seventies!
Henni...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [Stop the War Protest] Have you seen this? I mean, this isn't the Seventies!
Henning Wehn : That's the thing about the Cold War, at least you could get your head around it!
Ian Hislop : It was the Russians... and then everybody else.
Henning Wehn : Yes, that's the way I liked it!
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Ian Hislop : Politicians and jokes, eh? They're good at it sometimes. Not on purpose...

Paul Merton : [Caption Round. Thatcher judging a fishing competition] I wouldn't like one of them ...Show more »

Paul Merton : [Caption Round. Thatcher judging a fishing competition] I wouldn't like one of them swimmin' up me arse!
Ian Hislop : What did you say? You wouldn't like one of them swimming up your arse?
Paul Merton : I'll say it again: I wouldn't like one of them to swim up my arse.
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Jo Brand : Hilary calls Trump a "Doofus".
Paul Merton : I'm not sure I know what a "Doofus" is. Show more »

Jo Brand : Hilary calls Trump a "Doofus".
Paul Merton : I'm not sure I know what a "Doofus" is.
Ian Hislop : It's Latin! Doofus, Dooforum, Doofi, Doofis. Just declining it for my own amusement...
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Ian Hislop : That's a wonderful creation: the legs of a woman and the head of a Dictionary, what mor...Show more »

Ian Hislop : That's a wonderful creation: the legs of a woman and the head of a Dictionary, what more could you want?
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Massive Essex Girl : It is absolutely outrageous in today's society that the Dictionary which, I'm a...Show more »

Massive Essex Girl : It is absolutely outrageous in today's society that the Dictionary which, I'm a massive fan of the Dictionary, you know, we should be like promoting the Dictionary anyway because like it is such an amazing like historical British thing, isn't it?
Ian Hislop : [has hysterics]
Paul Merton : Every story ever written's in the Dictionary! You just have to put the words in the right order.
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Ian Hislop : [Heathrow Runway] It might just be internal flights after Brexit. No-one's going to w...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [Heathrow Runway] It might just be internal flights after Brexit. No-one's going to want to go anywhere, and they certainly won't be coming here...
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Ian Hislop : Why should anyone listen to Gove anymore?
David Mitchell : There's something magneti...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Why should anyone listen to Gove anymore?
David Mitchell : There's something magnetic about his loathsomeness. He's like the Bond Villain who's about to get dissolved in acid.
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American Politician : That is absolutely horseshit!
Ian Hislop : He's used a noun as an adjective...Show more »

American Politician : That is absolutely horseshit!
Ian Hislop : He's used a noun as an adjective! It's either absolute horseshit or absolutely horseshitty.
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Ian Hislop : They've run the numbers and worked out that losing Scotland would give us a permanent T...Show more »

Ian Hislop : They've run the numbers and worked out that losing Scotland would give us a permanent Tory Government. Which is a reason to vote No on Independence...
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Ian Hislop : NASA used to have more money than this, sending men into space. Now, it's just a spider...Show more »

Ian Hislop : NASA used to have more money than this, sending men into space. Now, it's just a spider. The speeches are worse too: "That's eight small steps for a spider..."
Al Murray : The spider was sent into space to answer schoolchildrens' questions about how spiders spin webs in space. And now it's dead.
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Victoria Coren Mitchell : Did you see Simon Cowell smoking around his pregnant girlfriend? In his ca...Show more »

Victoria Coren Mitchell : Did you see Simon Cowell smoking around his pregnant girlfriend? In his car, fagging away...
Ian Hislop : Really? Well I thought he was Eeeevil before...
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Ian Hislop : Ah, Fraulein, the Cathedral is on the other side of the Square!
Victoria Coren Mitch...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Ah, Fraulein, the Cathedral is on the other side of the Square!
Victoria Coren Mitchell : How dare you!
Paul Merton : The Pigeons are flying High above Krakow, tonight! See, the fat lady has ordered dinner, but wants no dessert to follow!
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Paul Merton : [Flooded-out Celebrities] Did Russell Crowe go and build Noah's Ark? Sorry, can't th...Show more »

Paul Merton : [Flooded-out Celebrities] Did Russell Crowe go and build Noah's Ark? Sorry, can't think of many flood stories.
Ian Hislop : Gilgamesh! It's not often you get a chance to talk about Gilgamesh on the BBC and I'm going to take it!
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Ian Hislop : [Autumn Statement] I don't want to be gloomy, because if you're gloomy, you know, the...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [Autumn Statement] I don't want to be gloomy, because if you're gloomy, you know, they come and get you! They're saying "Cheer up, Hammond! Tell us the weather is going to be lovely!" But it isn't, winter is coming...
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Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter : Would you like to see Alex Salmond as a Ghost in a Pakistani Soap...Show more »

Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter : Would you like to see Alex Salmond as a Ghost in a Pakistani Soap Opera?
Ian Hislop : Yes!
[Clip]
Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter : Not bad. It was through a friend of a friend. And quite a while ago, when he was working for the Royal Banquo of Scotland.
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Ian Hislop : The Swiss Guards are also robots.

Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter : They were outraged in Tunbridge Wells about Poldark, because he w...Show more »

Stephen Mangan - Guest Presenter : They were outraged in Tunbridge Wells about Poldark, because he wouldn't be scything topless, he'd need a shirt to protect him from the sun.
Camilla Long : Also, he'd have to be careful in case he gave himself an unintentional Brazilian!
Ian Hislop : An Unintentional Brazilian?
Paul Merton : It's a Graham Greene novel!
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Ian Hislop : Keep in mind this was on the Andrew Marr Show, so the Whole Nation probably hasn't seen...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Keep in mind this was on the Andrew Marr Show, so the Whole Nation probably hasn't seen it.
Paul Merton : So, the question should really be "Who is Andrew Marr?"
Ian Hislop : I have seen it, of course, because I have no life.
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Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Russell Brand] He kept leaning in, didn't he?
Ian Hisl...Show more »

Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : [Russell Brand] He kept leaning in, didn't he?
Ian Hislop : Yes, and Miliband kept saying "And the answer to that IS Politics!" And at the end of it all Russell turned to camera and said "And what have we learned?" and we thought "Well, you've learned quite a lot!"
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Ian Hislop : It's National Poetry Day today, isn't it? Well, not tomorrow when this goes out so that...Show more »

Ian Hislop : It's National Poetry Day today, isn't it? Well, not tomorrow when this goes out so that ruins that.
Guest : This isn't Live?
Ian Hislop : It's barely breathing!
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Ian Hislop : And it ended up with him and Boris having a fight in a lift.
Guest : Didn't he call ...Show more »

Ian Hislop : And it ended up with him and Boris having a fight in a lift.
Guest : Didn't he call him a "Lying Wanker"?
Ian Hislop : I'm afraid it was the F-word.
Guest : A "Flying Wanker"?
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Angus Deayton : So, Paula, put us right, then, is that all wrong? Did you not have a breast enlargem...Show more »

Angus Deayton : So, Paula, put us right, then, is that all wrong? Did you not have a breast enlargement operation at the beginning of your relationship with Michael?
[Paula squirms. A woman in the audience says "Yes"]
Paula Yates : [to the audience] All right! So much for sisterhood!
Ian Hislop : So much for sisterhood?
Paula Yates : That was a woman that just said yes!
Ian Hislop : Is that what you said to Helena Christensen?
[a big "Oooooh!" from the audience]
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Guest : If Boris were a Porn Person they wouldn't let him get away with saying this stuff. But becau...Show more »

Guest : If Boris were a Porn Person they wouldn't let him get away with saying this stuff. But because he's all Posh and Educated...
Ian Hislop : Are we going to have some kind of problem, here...?
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Ian Hislop : [Jamie Oliver Paella Scandal] It's Cultural Appropriation! The only thing we're allow...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [Jamie Oliver Paella Scandal] It's Cultural Appropriation! The only thing we're allowed to cook is Fish Fingers! That's Brexit Future!
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Ian Hislop : I'm still getting used to the idea that Kanye West is not a Constituency.

Ian Hislop : [Douglas Carswell] He used to say he was in the wrong Party, now he IS the Party! It'...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [Douglas Carswell] He used to say he was in the wrong Party, now he IS the Party! It's a massive schism within one man, where he splits himself in half or something.
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Ian Hislop : He quoted Kipling. The Poet, not the Cake Maker.
Charlie Brooker : Don't patronise m...Show more »

Ian Hislop : He quoted Kipling. The Poet, not the Cake Maker.
Charlie Brooker : Don't patronise me! Like I'm going to say "I always thought it was pronounced Ker-pling!"
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Paul Merton : [Cameron eats Hot Dog with Cutlery, shocking the Germans] Have you ever eaten anythi...Show more »

Paul Merton : [Cameron eats Hot Dog with Cutlery, shocking the Germans] Have you ever eaten anything with your hands, Ian?
Ian Hislop : Yes, I believe I ate... an Apple!
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Ross Noble : To be fair, "Hardcore Housewives" could just be about Housewives who like to get a lot ...Show more »

Ross Noble : To be fair, "Hardcore Housewives" could just be about Housewives who like to get a lot done, not just your house but the neighbours' too! "I'm not bringing the kids home until it's clean!"
Ian Hislop : I prefer your World!
Ross Noble : Although you would be disappointed if you got "Hardcore Housewives" and were going through it, saying "Look at all these clean Houses..."
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Hal Cruttenden : [Castro assassination attempt] Wasn't there an exploding seashell he was supposed...Show more »

Hal Cruttenden : [Castro assassination attempt] Wasn't there an exploding seashell he was supposed to find?
Ian Hislop : This is turning into a bad episode of Spongebob Squarepants!
Paul Merton : THERE'S NO SUCH THING!
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Himself - Guest Presenter : How did Boris Johnson stumble off message again this week?
Ian Hislop...Show more »

Himself - Guest Presenter : How did Boris Johnson stumble off message again this week?
Ian Hislop : In Cabinet apparently he blurted out that he was in favour of freedom of movement and an Amnesty for all illegal immigrants who were already here, something he'd said before when he was mayor of London, but then he unsaid it when he decided to Brexit, and then he obviously forgot when he was in Cabinet that he'd unsaid it, so he said it and now he's unsaid it.
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Paul Merton : Is anyone telling the truth, here?
Ian Hislop : They are both of UKIP.

Ian Hislop : Vampire Mice!

Ian Hislop : [Castro's regime] These things go off. All sorts of Parties start with good ideas, do...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [Castro's regime] These things go off. All sorts of Parties start with good ideas, don't they Suzanne? Then they get a bit of power, but probably not in your case.
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Host : This is the furore over Yaya Toure...
Paul Merton : There's a poem there! Let's get a lime...Show more »

Host : This is the furore over Yaya Toure...
Paul Merton : There's a poem there! Let's get a limerick going...
Ian Hislop : There once was a bloke Yaya Toure/ who caused something of a furore/ he wanted a cake/ well what a mistake/ isn't this a boring story?
Ross Noble : This is like a Posh Version of 8 Mile!
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Mel Giedroyc : [Hanky Loaner] It's Linen!
Jacob Rees-Mogg : I have to say, Constituents often c...Show more »

Mel Giedroyc : [Hanky Loaner] It's Linen!
Jacob Rees-Mogg : I have to say, Constituents often cry in my surgeries.
Ian Hislop : I can imagine that, so clearly!
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Ian Hislop : This is the "Post-Truth" era.

Himself - Guest Presenter : And how did the Daily Mail react to the news that a Shanghai University ...Show more »

Himself - Guest Presenter : And how did the Daily Mail react to the news that a Shanghai University has developed technology that can supposedly tell if someone is innocent or guilty just by analysing their face?
Ian Hislop : By suggesting only 100% of people should be locked up immediately?
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Ian Hislop : Have you seen the Pig?
Host : The Pig? Have I seen the Pig?
Paul Merton : I said ...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Have you seen the Pig?
Host : The Pig? Have I seen the Pig?
Paul Merton : I said to 'em, I said "I'm not going on if I haven't seen the Pig!"
Ian Hislop : Pic! This is what happens to my diction around proper actors.
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Ian Hislop : [Survey] Anyone here working class?
Random Brit : Ra-ther!

Ian Hislop : When you find yourself agreeing with Jeremy Corbyn, you think "This Country IS in a mes...Show more »

Ian Hislop : When you find yourself agreeing with Jeremy Corbyn, you think "This Country IS in a mess..."
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Ian Hislop : It's not funny, it's just really annoying.

Robert Peston : Chukka Ammuna has withdrawn his bid for leadership.
Paul Merton : Is this the mos...Show more »

Robert Peston : Chukka Ammuna has withdrawn his bid for leadership.
Paul Merton : Is this the most powerful program on TV? We haven't even gone out! There's 300 people here, but that's enough!
[Phone gesture]
Paul Merton : "They've shown your clip on Have I Got News for you!"
Robert Peston : I should call him, actually, there's a typo in his resignation statement.
Guest : Does it say why?
Ian Hislop : We know why! Peston just called him an Amateur!
Guest : Aw, sorry Chukka!
Robert Peston : Well. He has just ****** up the rest of the jokes...
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Angus Deayton : So, what about your new ally then, Neil Hamilton?
Swampy : Is he?
Angus Deayto...Show more »

Angus Deayton : So, what about your new ally then, Neil Hamilton?
Swampy : Is he?
Angus Deayton : Well, he was on your side, wasn't he? Over Manchester airport.
Swampy : Was he? All right, excellent. Who is he?
[laughter]
Ian Hislop : He won't resign.
Angus Deayton : Who won't?
Ian Hislop : Hamilton, Neil Hamilton won't resign.
Angus Deayton : Who's he? Oh, right.
Paul Merton : This is getting rather tiresome, it's getting like reminiscent of a conversation in an old people's home. "Who? Who are we talking about? Oh, yes!" "Who?" "Can I have some tea?"
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Angus Deayton : [Missing Words round] "Thatcher favours 'what' as her successor".
Ian Hislop : ...Show more »

Angus Deayton : [Missing Words round] "Thatcher favours 'what' as her successor".
Ian Hislop : Thatcher!
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The Earl of Onslow : At the turn of the century, the Church of England was pro-fox hunting and anti-...Show more »

The Earl of Onslow : At the turn of the century, the Church of England was pro-fox hunting and anti-buggery. And it's now pro-buggery and anti-fox hunting.
[audience laughs]
Paul Merton : But presumably with buggery you don't have to chase your quarry through the countryside.
The Earl of Onslow : You ask Peter Tatchell.
Ian Hislop : I don't know, they move pretty quick on Hampstead Heath, don't they?
The Earl of Onslow , Paul Merton : How do you know?
Glenda Jackson : I was just about to ask that myself!
Paul Merton : Only when you're there! "Quick, it's Hislop, pretend you're an undercover policeman." "Quickly, swallow the evidence."
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Angus Deayton : Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdalá Bucaram?
Paul Merton : No.
Angus De...Show more »

Angus Deayton : Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdalá Bucaram?
Paul Merton : No.
Angus Deayton : Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.
Paul Merton : I don't want to know it.
Angus Deayton : Well, I'm going to tell you.
Paul Merton : Well, when this bit comes on, I'll turn the telly off.
[sticks his fingers in his ears]
Paul Merton : And I'm going to say "La-la-la-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you." You can't make me know this.
Ian Hislop : Is this what you were like at school? I can imagine the metalwork class, no wonder you didn't get any O levels.
Paul Merton : CSE. CSE, ungraded.
Angus Deayton : Excellent work. Right, well, you'd better start shouting now, because here we go: Mr. Abdalá...
Paul Merton : [interrupting] Da-da-da-da-da-da!
Angus Deayton : ...Bucaram...
Paul Merton : Da-da da-da!
Angus Deayton : ...returned...
Paul Merton : La-la-la-la-la!
Ian Hislop : This is like being at home with my two-year-old.
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Ian Hislop : This would suggest that no-one in is deaf, which I'm not sure is true.

Frankie Boyle : The Virus was called WannaCry and demanded all your money.
Gyles Brandreth : Oh, ...Show more »

Frankie Boyle : The Virus was called WannaCry and demanded all your money.
Gyles Brandreth : Oh, yes, and all in BetCoins too.
Guest : BetCoins?
Frankie Boyle : BritCoins?
Gyles Brandreth : BitCoins!
Ian Hislop : Oh no, we've left the European Market, they're all Britcoins now!
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Ian Hislop : I mean, he contradicts himself midsentence now! He criticised Obama for bowing to the S...Show more »

Ian Hislop : I mean, he contradicts himself midsentence now! He criticised Obama for bowing to the Saudis and he himself curtsied. And then he gets this Award, the Great Flogger of the Temple of Doom or something...
Paul Merton : That was an ITV Quiz Show that never got past the Pilot Stage!
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Frankie Boyle : She's maybe Thatcher's Final Horcrux?
Guest : I'd watch that!
Frankie Boyle : ...Show more »

Frankie Boyle : She's maybe Thatcher's Final Horcrux?
Guest : I'd watch that!
Frankie Boyle : Theresa May wouldn't be drawn on which Harry Potter Character she most resembled, but said they were a great read for children and adults.
Guest : She's Malfoy! She knows she is!
Ian Hislop : No! Those were the Posh Boys she just replaced!
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Ian Hislop : [bizarre caption dilemma] The au pair should have jumped out naked and that's what th...Show more »

Ian Hislop : [bizarre caption dilemma] The au pair should have jumped out naked and that's what the Sun wants. And pretended with a straight face she was doing a public service. You wouldn't have done that, Claire? Apart from work for the Sun...
Claire Raynor : It was a Newspaper in those days!
[sigh]
Claire Raynor : I it well...
Ian Hislop : This is Pre-War?
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Ian Hislop : So they all play Chess but she plays Bton for Shropshire.
Angus Deayton : Which...Show more »

Ian Hislop : So they all play Chess but she plays Bton for Shropshire.
Angus Deayton : Which is one of the least interesting pieces of information we've had on this programme.
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Peter Hitchens : Melons! This is a reference to a fine English University's research that found, how...Show more »

Peter Hitchens : Melons! This is a reference to a fine English University's research that found, how can I say this, that a woman's physical attributes influences Melon selection.
Angus Deayton : I'd hate to say you're right, but...
Ian Hislop : What happens with cucumbers?
Paul Merton : Can't get mine in the basket!
Ian Hislop : Cut them in half don't they?
Angus Deayton : That's kosher.
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Guest : I like the A1, in brackets, M. It's not a Motorway, but it dreams...
Ian Hislop : A real ...Show more »

Guest : I like the A1, in brackets, M. It's not a Motorway, but it dreams...
Ian Hislop : A real Tory, aspirational road!
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Ian Hislop : Man goes into a Psychiatric Ward and says "Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pair o...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Man goes into a Psychiatric Ward and says "Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pair of Curtains!" And the Doctor says "I'm sorry, there aren't any beds..."
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Martin Clunes : The tiny particle, Higgs Boson, a theorised building block of all life is so abhorre...Show more »

Martin Clunes : The tiny particle, Higgs Boson, a theorised building block of all life is so abhorrent to nature it would create waves back in time and disrupt its own discovery.
Ian Hislop : But then Arnie would arrive!
Martin Clunes : The Telegraph simplified it saying it was like Marty endangering his own existence in Back to the Future.
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Ian Hislop : We had a Parrot when I was young.
Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What was i...Show more »

Ian Hislop : We had a Parrot when I was young.
Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : What was it called?
Ian Hislop : We were a very imaginative family, it was called Polly.
Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Did you teach it all your catchphrases?
Ian Hislop : And those would be what, Alexander?
Alexander Armstrong - Guest Presenter : Oh I don't know, Catch Looks, maybe.
[imitates a Parrot imitating Ian by swiveling its head in continuous exasperation]
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Ian Hislop : It was a Parrot we had in Nigeria, which was where we lived when I was young. And it wa...Show more »

Ian Hislop : It was a Parrot we had in Nigeria, which was where we lived when I was young. And it was a lovely Parrot. It did a certain amount of talking
Paul Merton : [Posh Parrot voice] "I'm too good for this place!"
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Ian Hislop : So nothing is happening?

Ian Hislop : Most countries they say "Do you want to donate your organs" and people say "No!" We're ...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Most countries they say "Do you want to donate your organs" and people say "No!" We're going to say "Do you not want to donate your organs?" and people are going to say "Oh, I can't be bothered to fill out the form..."
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Ian Hislop : Andy you're so down on these Academics! One Bee on a Urinal and you Hate the World!

Host : Jeremy Corben asked Theresa May what planet she was on, and within ten minutes that brain of ...Show more »

Host : Jeremy Corben asked Theresa May what planet she was on, and within ten minutes that brain of hers came up with the riposte: "My honorable colleague asked me what planet I was on, I know what Planet he's on: Planet Venezuela!"
Ian Hislop : The problem with that joke is the Planet that Venezuela is on is Earth.
Paul Merton : That's why he's the Editor of Private Eye!
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Ian Hislop : He said Jeremy Callum should be sodomised with his own piano.
Paul Merton : Not a fa...Show more »

Ian Hislop : He said Jeremy Callum should be sodomised with his own piano.
Paul Merton : Not a fan of jazz, then, is he?
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Host : His nickname's Rasputin.
Guest : But is he Russia's Greatest Love Machine?
Ian Hislop :...Show more »

Host : His nickname's Rasputin.
Guest : But is he Russia's Greatest Love Machine?
Ian Hislop : Is that a Boney M reference?
Guest : That's alright, it's historic research it's allowed.
Ian Hislop : Oh, I'm not saying Boney M haven't done their stuff...
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Ian Hislop : He was told "Try and get as far up George Bush's arse as you can".
Paul Merton : Was...Show more »

Ian Hislop : He was told "Try and get as far up George Bush's arse as you can".
Paul Merton : Was he allowed to use crampons?
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Ian Hislop : Lots of quite sensible people have said Don't Conflate everything with a clumsy an...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Lots of quite sensible people have said Don't Conflate everything with a clumsy and not everyone has to be arrested for even thinking about sex, I mean, it's a reasonable point, to go for the people who are actually guilty of something and punish them.
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Paul Merton : You'll never carve another Avocado again! Grim words to hear on a Friday night...
I...Show more »

Paul Merton : You'll never carve another Avocado again! Grim words to hear on a Friday night...
Ian Hislop : At last, we've got a proper Liberal Metropolitan Story!
Guest : That guy from Doncaster's turned off hasn't he!
Ian Hislop : Exactly!
Guest : "Ah, the poofs are talking about fruit!"
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Host : Avocado Hand!
Guest : It's like Stigmata!
Ian Hislop : The Irish Police will be round f...Show more »

Host : Avocado Hand!
Guest : It's like Stigmata!
Ian Hislop : The Irish Police will be round for you! They didn't get Stephen Fry but they'll get you!
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Host : Hobby-Horsing is the latest craze to hit Finnish Teens.
Ian Hislop : If ever a sport neede...Show more »

Host : Hobby-Horsing is the latest craze to hit Finnish Teens.
Ian Hislop : If ever a sport needed drug testing it's that one!
Guest : It gets worse when one of them falls over and they have to put a curtain around the Hobby Horse...
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Andy Hamilton : On the plus side, Trump is the first openly insane man to be voted President.
Ian...Show more »

Andy Hamilton : On the plus side, Trump is the first openly insane man to be voted President.
Ian Hislop : He's broken through the Rubber-Padded Ceiling!
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Ian Hislop : The problem with this list is that it says things like "inappropriate comment to resear...Show more »

Ian Hislop : The problem with this list is that it says things like "inappropriate comment to researcher" and then later it says "marries researcher" so it was obviously quite appropriate in that particular case because it was wanted.
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Ian Hislop : Boris is innocent he's not on the list that you haven't seen and nor have I!
Paul Me...Show more »

Ian Hislop : Boris is innocent he's not on the list that you haven't seen and nor have I!
Paul Merton : How do you know he's not on the list if you haven't seen it?
Ian Hislop : Damn you Merton!
Paul Merton : No further questions, M'Lud!
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Guest : I'm not in touch with Vivienne Westwood, although I did get married in Vivienne Westwood. Show more »

Guest : I'm not in touch with Vivienne Westwood, although I did get married in Vivienne Westwood.
Ian Hislop : What, inside her?
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Ian Hislop : I like the idea that of all the organisations out there you could target with Ransomwar...Show more »

Ian Hislop : I like the idea that of all the organisations out there you could target with Ransomware, you choose the NHS, who we know don't have any money.
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Ian Hislop : Can I just say you've all lost your edge?

Katharine Ryan : [large Teddy Bear story] Who is this aimed at?
Paul Merton : Men who want to h...Show more »

Katharine Ryan : [large Teddy Bear story] Who is this aimed at?
Paul Merton : Men who want to have sex with Bears?
Katharine Ryan : That's very close.
Paul Merton : That's close is it? Women who want to have sex with Bears! Bears who want to have sex with Bears!
Ian Hislop : That's just Bears, isn't it?
Paul Merton : Yes, I suppose that is just Bears.
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Ian Hislop : SpongeBob! He's quite a guy...

Ian Hislop : Oh, they were all very Libtard Snowflake, I thought.

Ian Hislop : You don't know Namaste? It's the first thing you do before Downward Dog!